5 step guide to overcome Envy

I was always intrigued by “Envy” and had a quest to understand it, confront it and overcome it. I keep seeing it unfailingly spiking when the right circumstance hits. Sometimes the spike dies down quickly and sometimes it eats me up for a few hours. Here in this post, I’ll try to share my reflections on Envy & things that I do to go beyond it. As we spend a significant amount of time in our workplaces, I will focus my reflections and suggestions towards the workplace and I hope that they resonate with others.

Let’s start by differentiating between envy and jealousy. I believe envy is “I don’t have what you have, and it bogs me down” feeling, whereas jealousy is “My girlfriend is talking more to that new guy in the office and I hate it” feeling. It’s jealousy that strikes when a rival tends to sabotage our relationship with someone close to us. According to Sara Protasi, — “Envy is an averse reaction to a perceived inferiority to a similar other, with regard to a good that is relevant to the sense of identity of the envier.”

Envy, a common trait in our social fabric, does not leave even the accomplished ones. In our normal mortal’s life, we’re engrossed in wanting to achieve more — rewards, accolades, social status and make our loved ones proud and in this inescapable journey, we come across people who have achieved more. While we watch helplessly, sometimes the presence of these people instantaneously throws inside us a matchstick burning with fire of envy, creating a disturbance and spurring “I-lack-what-you-have” emotions. Someone else’s success making us feel uncomfortable and incompetent is strange, but we still give in, albeit, involuntarily.

Envy is psychologically categorized into two: Benign & malicious. Benign envy is mild in intensity. Though this envy disturbs us a little, we feel that the other person deserves her status and success. It does not pull us down. In turn, this benign envy creates something good in us. It inspires us to achieve the same. When we feel our abilities are on-par with the other and we too can get there with a little bit of hard work, it’s benign. It creates a disciplined, creative, smarter and successful us. In my life, I see that I became better in a few areas because of this benign envy. One such area is physical fitness. My friend recently completed his 50 km bicycle trip and I was regularly doing only 30 km rides. His 50 km milestone made me push myself and do a 50 km trip in two weeks. Benign envy thus, is to focus on the good in the other person and utilize it to our benefit.

When the envier is heavily disturbed by the envied & his success, the envy is malicious. We feel that he not only doesn’t deserve it but should be stripped of that success. The secret joys of schadenfreude kick in. A kid destroys another kid’s toy if he does not have one for himself. Malicious envy creates resentment and agitation at the sight of the other person, making their sadness our happiness and their happiness our sadness! We love it when they fail. If we’re not careful, this green sickness has all the power to permanently damage relationships.

Now let’s talk about something more interesting. What are the signs that you are envying someone, or someone is envying you? If someone is talking about his/her success at his work or in her life, these are ways in which we respond with envy:

• Our eyes spray the rays of envy uncontrollably, making direct eye contact difficult.
• We downplay his success,to him & to others. We don’t give him due credit. Our mind unconsciously picks words to convey that his work is ordinary. Any additional credit would make us feel terrible, let alone making him feel good! Does it ring a bell?
• We avoid his presence, as we cannot face him. If he is planning to bring out something extraordinary tomorrow, we avoid working with him today, let alone seeing him tomorrow. Avoid, as ignorance is bliss!
• We subtly change the topic. It makes us feel safe. Any more discussion about her success can drown us in envy.
• We get into an advising tone of voice, subtly turning around the table, picking up only areas that didn’t go well and suggesting ways to improve, instead of recognizing his success right now.
• We keep putting him down consistently and consciously and sometimes get violent orally or physically.

If the emotion of envy is so complex and unconscious, how do we overcome it? Whenever a stroke of envy pulls down my heart, I apply what is called prati pakśa BAvana,an ancient yogic technique by Patanjali. It is doing exactly the opposite of what we normally do in such a situation. For the above 6 types of reactions that happen involuntarily out of envy, I’d consciously do the following, with the help of prati pakśa BAvana:

• I keep my eye contact while saying these words or while talking to him. I do not drop eye contact, looking elsewhere awkwardly.
• I get vocal in expressing words of appreciation & recognition about his success. I give him due credit and openly talk about his qualities that impressed me. Whenever I do this, I immediately see my heart becoming light.
• I’ll push myself and be present in his presence. I do not avoid him. This is the first main step that opens up other windows of opportunities to win over envy. If I get a chance to work with him, I sign up for it. It’s my attempt to take malicious envy head-on and turn it into benign. The more I work with him, the better I get to know him . A stronger bonding destroys envy slowly but surely.
• I do not change the topic while talking about his success. This need not mean a total absence of envy, but a malicious attempt to disregard his success is avoided.
• I do not switch to an advising tone of voice.

These positive behavioral changes, one situation at a time literally rewires our brain. This technique works every time and lightens your heart. It helps us in not being eaten up by malicious envy.

In addition to prati pakśa BAvana, a thing to remember is the truth that our own traits, attitudes and qualities are things of envy to others. While you’re envying your colleague younger to you for reaching grades above you, he could be envious about your cheerful attitude towards life. When you wish you had an Audi Q7 like your buddy, he could be wishing that he builds a strong relationship with his family members like you’ve built with yours. While you wish you were a CEO, the CEO might envy a saint who is beyond miseries. We’re unique in this world and our accomplishments and lifestyle need not be compared. Being grateful for what we have & not being miserable for what we don’t itself makes our life magical. prati pakśa BAvana along with this deep and relentless introspection can really help us give a black eye to the green-eyed monster!